TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, town historically recognized for historic tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be great. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed in the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely away from area. Intended by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Of course, confident, let's have A further place where American Adult men can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: provide Absolutely everyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't Trump Tower Damascus really that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he ought to halt utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the task, replied, "You already know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head seen from space, a characteristic getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after obtaining the creating's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is not simply unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Attributes


Probably the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Area Syrians are Uncertain what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The ad campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "in which's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting notice from international investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort wherever my PTSD might have switch-down assistance."


A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

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